Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
You Might Also Like
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
one last job
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊