My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
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Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Morning my dudes.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please