I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
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Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.