What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
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Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.