You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
You Might Also Like
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.