Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
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I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can