*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
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When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
The Book. The Movie.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Not all heroes wear capes…
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.