Essential oils? You mean WD40?
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I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
LMAO
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying