Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
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Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.