Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
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To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.