My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
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[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.