me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
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My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
This squirrel eats better than I do
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.