chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
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time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.