“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
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Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.