Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
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You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I am having an out of money experience.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I put the mess in domestic.