waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
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I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
when you are just born a rebel
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.