Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
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FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Netflix and awkward silence?
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE