There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
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8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
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Me: Same
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Realize this:
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.