Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
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My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.