Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
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o shit
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
We all have our pet causes.