The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
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Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)