The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
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i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
My wife gives the best headache.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???