Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
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ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
be careful
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it