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Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Only Americans understand
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie