We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
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I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Not all heroes wear capes….
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Autocorrect completely socks
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.