Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
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Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
*weighs self after shaving
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura