Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
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[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.