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I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Doctors texting each other.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
When someone asks if I have any hobbies