Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
You Might Also Like
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.