That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Oh my God.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch