I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
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5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
men are simple creatures
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this