“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
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idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
If looks could kill