CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
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Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
this is the best day of my life