I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
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Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position