The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
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People who are bad at hiding, I see you
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
🤣dope
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.