[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
You Might Also Like
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
no their not
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Go girl power!
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
This one’s “Alex”.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs