“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
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At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I remember when things only cost an arm.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.