The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
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Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?