My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
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ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works