This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
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4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”