Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
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Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
excuse me
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.