The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
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To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Every haunted house movie:
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.