Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
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ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.