Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
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He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I think my mom just blocked me
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth