“Sheer Arrogance”
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[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
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ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae