“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
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Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?