HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.