the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
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I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
i made a craigslist ad !
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.