once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
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The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.