It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
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Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.